Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Til' we meet again...

A few weeks ago my beautiful friend Lisa (Bona Lisa Kim) died tragically in an ATV accident while working on a farm out in New Hampshire.  She was attending vet school in Scotland and this summer she spent on a farm working with animals.  She was by herself, no one knows exactly what happened.  They gather that it rolled and crushed her, killing her instantly.  She was supposed to turn 28 this month.  
I was in Seattle when I got a phone call from my girlfriend with the horrific news.  It took my breath away, I was in complete and utter shock.  I haven't cried that hard in a long long time.  I didn't want it to be real, it just couldn't be real.

I flew back to LA a few days later, leaving Elsie with my mom.  I attended her viewing the evening after I got back and her funeral the following afternoon.  Hundreds of people were there.  It was beyond hard.  No one wants to see their beautiful friend like that.  It didn't look like her, it felt like an awful nightmare.  We hugged her family, her parents and two older sisters were so gracious.  They were heartbroken but showed such strength.  I sat in the pew and watched as the rest of my friends went through the line, the song "Colors" by Amos Lee from the "Just Like Heaven" soundtrack was playing. The line "You're gone. Colors seems to fade" played through my head the rest of that night.  I remember walking around in public and things seem to happen in slow motion around me. People going on about their daily business unaware that a special soul was taken suddenly from this world.  It made be realize that anything could happen to anyone and any given moment.  This scared me. It still scares me. 
I know this earth life isn't the end and I do take comfort in that knowledge but I've found I have become quite anxiety ridden.  Anxiety is something I have struggled with for most of my life and when tragedy strikes it just heightens it.  Sleep normally brings relief but nightmares are still striking.  My mind keeps replaying images of that week--As they lowered her coffin in the ground, her father who seemed to be handling everything with a quiet, somber strength cried out, "no, my Bona, my Bona" while sobbing and falling to his knees.  You could feel people's hearts breaking even more and seeing her father collapse and call out while his baby daughter was buried seemed absolutely unbearable to witness.   This day seemed just that--unbearable... I can't imagine losing my little sister.  I can't imagine losing my daughter now, or 20 years from now.  I got through it by being surrounded by my friends.  Talking about Lisa, sharing photos, holding each other tightly while we sobbed so hard it shook our bodies helped in this whole grieving process.  I am still so sad.  It still hurts, but I know Lisa would want us all to be happy; to remember her zest for life, her infectious smile...  I know she was loving her life until the end.  She was at peace.  Her last post on Facebook was as follows:
"I went to bed last night on a hammock under a blanket of stars, next to a campfire, a pond, and a field of horses.  This is as good as it gets and there's no other place I'd rather be than in this moment. Happy my life has been brought to this point."
We were able to write letters that were buried with her.  This is my letter to her.  And although it seems personal to post something like this, I think it best describes the fond feelings I had toward

Dearest Lisa,

It doesn’t quite seem real that you aren’t with us anymore here on Earth.  I know I wasn’t done getting to know you better.  We weren’t the closest of friends but you were a friend whom I loved dearly.  You were such a great example to me of someone who lived life to the fullest and who pursued their dream no matter how many obstacles got in the way.  I have peace knowing you were so incredibly happy and peaceful up until the point you passed.  I love that you got to experience that feeling, that maybe you got a sense of heaven before you actually went there.  I keep thinking I am dreaming, that you are still just overseas attending vet school, caring for animals creating awesome friendships that you so easily do wherever you go because people can’t help but gravitate towards you and that infectious smile and witty personality.  People will say you were off to do great things in this world.  I say, you did great things in this world.  You loved those around you.  You were an amazing aunt, I know lil’ Charlie will surely miss you.  You left a beautiful mark on this world.  I am grateful to have the knowledge that this life doesn’t end here, that we have the chance for a bigger and better existence in the hereafter.  That knowledge helps me get through the pain of a life that ends all too soon.  It is sad that it takes a loved one passing to realize all the things and people in your life that you take for granted.  Time doesn’t stop nor does is wait for anyone.  Life happens all too quickly and you never know when it could be your last day on earth or the last day of someone you hold dear.  I know all those you touched in your lifetime will try to be better people, to not take anyone or anything for granted.  To love more, to laugh more, to not let little insignificant things alter the way they look at the world or those in it.  It’s such an odd thing when one experiences loss because you feel so many things in such a short period of time—sadness, anger, bitterness, heartache, confusion—but you also feel an immense love for those you cherish.  It causes you to step back and count your blessings, to say I love you more, to hug your family or friends just that much longer.  To appreciate the air in your lungs and recognize the beauty in this world instead of the things and people that defile it.  I know you are in a better, a happier place now, but know this world is worse off for having lost you.  Your influence and love didn’t die with you.  Your family and friends will keep it ever so alive.  We’ll honor your memory Lis, I promise to honor your memory.  I’ll remember you smiling, laughing, hearing you talk of your beloved music :) that’s how I’ll always remember you.  Thank you for bringing happiness to my life.  I’ll miss you. 
Love you always and forever,

Friday, July 13, 2012

I keep sayin' it...

I do keep saying that I am going to be a better blogger, I would love to keep better track of my life's happenings because, well, they all just seems to fly by so fast.  I blink and my little baby is 18 months, is the height of a typical two year old and  the weight of a 3 year old! WHAT!?  She is speaking to me in sentences and understands so much of what is going on around her, it blows my mind.  Here is just a quick run down of what has been up lately:

April: Elsie decided to walk on Easter Sunday.  Elsie rode her first pony and went on her first Easter egg hunt! We spent Spring Break in UT.  Natalie and Brandon (bo bo and nana to Elsie, J's sis and hubby) are awesome hosts and we love staying with them.  Ryan (Jordan's lil' bro) left for his mission to OK!  
May: Jordan was crazy busy working and going to school.  Jaimie, my sis, flew into town to make some money working with Jordan, stayed about 3 weeks.  Love, loved it.  Went on hikes, ate sushi, took Yoga classes, had dance parties in the living room.  Good times.  Jordan surprised me with VIP American Idol tickets for Mothers Day!  

June: I turned 29 (ew)  Gotta fit in a lot, being this is the last year in my 20's...why?  I don't know, I just feel like I need to for some reason! Hah!  Went to UT, visited fam (we were all there for my sister's canceled wedding...that's another post, but a great and happy one!)  It was so fun to be all together, parents in from Seattle, Phil and Jaz and kiddos in from NYC.  Went to Lagoon, Elsie rode her first roller coaster (yeah, scary).  Loved watching the cute cousin play together.  Visited my grandparents in Ogden, Jasmine took some great pics of them:)

 Elsie's great grandparents

I just love this picture.
Easter dress from grandma
hi. I'm 18 months old now!
Went to a screening of the movie I star in.  It's crazy to watch yourself on the screen and to see how it all came together!  Good things may be happening with the film! Fingers crossed! Check out the trailer here:  http://www.hydethefilm.com

July:  Spent the 4th with friends, beach and BBQ.  Jordan left for UPenn to finish up his Masters program! 2 more weeks and he is done!!!  Well, done leaving every month and done with mad amounts of homework, now he just has to write his thesis.  I am so very proud of him.  Its a lot to work full time and go to school and be a dad! 
Aaaannnd....drum roll please... I finally booked a national commercial!  It's been a while and I was getting quite frustrated with the lack of work this year for me so hopefully this one does well.  It's a Kay Jewelers commercial, which means CHEESY!  Woohoo! And I have to kiss some random guy after he proposes to me. It'll be an interesting day:)
Well, that's just a quick summary of the last few months!  Next week I am off to Seattle and maybe it'll start to feel like summer vacation.  Hopefully it won't be another few months until I post again....

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Lil' Update

How cute is this baby girl?! I obviously didn't get around to posting on Valentine's Day, but better late than never. Her Grandma sent her this shirt and its quite true. She tends to pick and choose what guys to flirt with but its hilarious to watch. I am laughing now, but I hope this isn't a sign for what's to come!

Last month we visited Utah for a week and Elsie got the chance to play in the snow for the first time! She absolutely loved it. This lil' girl loves being outside--rain or shine, it doesn't matter. Sometimes she bangs on the door while inside yelling in her own gibberish clearly stating that she needs to get out doors. Her snow suit in this pic was a bit snug. When I got her all layered up she lie on the floor unable to sit up and it reminded me of the boy in the movie "The Christmas Story. Too funny. It was nice to visit Grandma and Grandpa, my sister, some friends and my sister in law and brother in law.
My mom and dad were there for while too. I got to sneak away to Vegas for the weekend for a girlfriends reunion and left Elsie with my mom in UT. It was so fun to catch up with all those girls. I sure miss them. We are all over the place now, so only a couple of us are still in LA, but we have managed to stay friends over these past 6 or 7 years which is amazing!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Lil' Chubber Buns

Elsie truly loves to eat. I think this is a blessing. She doesn't seem to be very picky and when she really enjoys something she follows her bite with a "mmmm". She is my lil chubbers and I love it. I can't believe how fast she is learning! I am running out of body parts to have her identify...that sentence sounded odd...anyway she has all of these down: Head, hair, eyebrows, eyes, ears, mouth, teeth, nose, tummy, belly button, legs, knees, feet and toes. It is a great distraction game while quickly trying to change her diaper. She is 13 months now and about 30 pounds...I think she outweighs a lot of 2 year olds... She does wear size 2T quite often. Hearing her talk is the best. Watching her little face study and figure things out is amazing to me and when she does accomplish something she becomes quite proud and often claps for herself. She can point out many objects and animals in books, ones I don't even recall working on very much with her, she'll find it and point to it...never guessing. If she doesn't know she will usually look for a bit then, look at me to help her. She surprises me daily and I just love being with her and being able to witness all her firsts and teach her things. I just taught her to put her hands on her cheeks and cock her head when I ask her if she's cute....hah, cheesy, I know but I LOVE it!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Why I love it here

The sun is setting and Elsie and I are finishing up at the park when I took this pic. I love living near a park we can walk to! I also love that today was a flip flop and t-shirt kind of day. Its JANUARY! Yay for LA weather. I love you and appreciate you. I can always visit seasons elsewhere, so I am glad you stay quite nice and sunny most of the time. So thank you.
And someday Elsie's hair will appreciate the weather too because it looks like its going to be pretty curly!! Cute!!

Sleepy girl

Elsie has been starting to get a little upset when its time to go to sleep...she thinks she has too much to do and too much too see. This is the first time I think she has fallen asleep like this! Hilarious! And I dared to take a pic...I know...But I felt like I had to lie her down on her back...wouldn't her legs fall asleep??

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Time--Yeah, I know it flies, but how can you make it walk?!

Oh happy day!! NO pain and pure JOY.

It's the kind of love you never knew existed until this very moment.
Sweet lil' girl 10 days old, you forget how tiny they start out!
Sleepy Elsie--How grateful I am for such an amazing sleeper, I know I am LUCKY!
3 months old and such a happy baby
Who knew such a big personality could fit in such a little baby:) Elsie 6 months
She got her little poses down! Hah! 7 months
9 months!
Halloween--BABY GAGA!!
Christmas 2011
Elsie turns 1!!
Life is good. Doesn't mean it doesn't have its challenges, but all in all I am truly, amazingly BLESSED.