Longing for Africa

A couple summers back I spent the summer living and working in an orphanage in Kenya. I miss those kids everyday. I have since been supporting them and working with a non profit to help raise money. But its hard to send money there to help because of their poor money management skills etc. My friend Janet who started the non profit www.right2thrive.org is in Kenya right now visiting Neemaland Kings and Queens Orphanage where she also volunteered the year before I did. I am so jealous that she gets to be there and has the opportunity to hug all those children and show them love that they don't really ever receive. Unfortunately when she arrived she found the orphanage in a really awful state. Since I had been there they had been evicted from their home because it was too expensive and they had to move into something they could afford...which meant smaller and in an even more dangerous part of town. Janet found that all the kids were sleeping in what can only be described as tin huts (often what all the homes in the slums are made out of) and the adults were in the 3 bedroom house. It is winter there now so its usually damp and cold. The mattresses were spread across the cold wet ground, everything was dirty, the septic system was overflowing and most of the kids were sick. When I read this report from her I sobbed for a good two hours trying to hold my heart together, thinking if I pressed my hand hard enough to it it would stay in one piece. I then got my breathing back to normal and wrote Janet back with all the ideas and encouragement I could come up with to help her deal with the situation at hand. And then I cried some more. One can't quite understand how precious these kids are, how resilient and beautiful, until you meet them and see and feel it for yourself. I could listen to them sing all day long and the hugs are always endless and heartfelt. I try not to get upset at myself for feeling like I am not doing enough, because I know that doesn't help anything. I try to do what I can, separating my life and culture from theirs, because if you don't you can beat yourself up over everything you are blessed with knowing so many do without. The one thing I wish I could do was give people a taste of what I experienced with these orphans. I made a video, I have expressed my concern and love for them through letters trying to fundraise and the response is so little. If everyone gave up what it would cost for a single meal and donated it, it could change their world over there. But I know not everyone can see it the way I do because I have this immense love for them, I have read and heard their stories of hardship, I have witnessed their strength. So many of them come from similar situations; death of parents due to aids, separated during the wars between tribes and left homeless. There is this understanding amongst them that, yes, life has dealt them an awful hand but it doesn't do any good to be depressed about it. And so these children who have been through hell and back, beaten, raped, abandoned, parents dead, and so on, smile and thank God for all that they have. They play and laugh and love learning and not one complaint escapes their lips. They are a tremendous example to me. And so I can't help but think that they truly deserve more. They are forever a part of my life and I can't wait to see them all again. I will continue to love and support them, hoping I can someday get them all sponsored and into good schools so that they can have the bright future they deserve. For now the focus is keeping them healthy, providing a warmer, safer place for them to lie their heads down at night and then we will move on from there. I hope that even if people can't help them monetarily that they will keep the Kings and Queens of Neemaland in their prayers. For prayer can do wonders. Some might say I am wasting my time and energy, that these kids will always be in this situation once they run out of funds because they don't know how to provide for themselves. I say its not the children's fault. They haven't been taught. And one wouldn't withhold food and healthcare from their own children because they don't know how to take care of themselves yet, so why would I think it would be any different for these kids and those who are in charge of them? They haven't been taught correctly. There are 60 plus kids and they do what they can to feed and clothe them, but its not enough. It takes time and training and yes, money to get them educated and set up in a situation where they can succeed. So where is my million dollars already?? :)

Lovin' it? Mostly, maybe, I mean 'it' as in her, yes but pregnancy, well...nevermind...

I love this baby girl. I really do. Even when she is shoved up against my bladder just chillin' with her hand over her forehead like in this picture. I tend to whine about the way she makes me feel physically but amidst all the fatigue and sickness I can't help but imagine her tiny face looking up at me. I see her in my dreams all the time (she's really really cute) and I can almost sense her cheek against mine, holding her close with my arm under her little bum. I think the love will be overwhelming. She is already teaching me a lot of patience...reminding me I can't do it all and still feel like myself. She better be a good eater cause I am really only eating to sustain her these days as food has become a major turnoff for me. I have gotten pretty used to just feeling sick most of the time and having a never ending headache. And I don't know what it is, but most mornings I practically pass out...as in faint. Its kind of inconvenient if I am somewhere public, like at the grocery store, where there really isn't anywhere to just sit down and put your head between your legs. So I end up just having to sit on the ground momentarily or if I am lucky I will find a little step stool or something used my employees for stocking shelves. Its fantastic. I have met women who absolutely love being pregnant and I just kind of look at them with a confused slash intrigued sort of look, which combined on my face probably just makes me look crazy (or makes them think I think they are crazy, which they are probably right on with that), but I really do wish that were me. I think I will just stick to the dream of having her outside the womb and loving that instead:)

The Belly

People keep asking to see "the belly" so here it is, nothin' hidin' it! Why am I so shameless? I have to take these photos every week and send them to my modeling agency to they can tell how big I am getting so I can start booking maternity print jobs. I actually just worked for Nordstrom last week! That stuff should come out online sometime in the fall. So its a great reason to eat healthy and stay in shape when you have to get photographed baring all every week...(plus these jobs pay pretty dang well) :) Baby is good, I need to scan in and post her new ultrasound pics from her 2nd trimester screening. She's pretty cute, and more importantly the Dr. said she has a very beautiful heart:) Music to my ears. I had my first baby shower on Saturday in Seattle which was so fun. I found myself talking baby talk in response to the clothes I was getting. Funny;) I still need to go through those pics and upload em. For now I am enjoying feeling the lil one move around all the time. I still don't have an appetite and get headaches most days, but I will take that over all that morning sickness felt those first few months. We are 5 months along! Over halfway there and part of me is a little afraid yet excited that these next few months are going to fly by. Lots to do!

Babygirl

After a couple appointments we finally found out we are having a lil' girl! She has been quite lady like...always crossing her legs at each appointment, but my sister-in-law (a neonatal nurse) told me to drink an ice cold beverage right before hand and it will make the baby more active. Well at that second appointment she was dancing around and sucking on her fingers. It still blows my mind that all that moving and growing is going on and it can't be felt yet! I am learning that this baby girl is a picky eater. I am not super nauseous all the time anymore but after eating certain things they come right back up...ew. She is following after her Aunt Jaimie and seems to be refusing most meat products. I hope to get my appetite back soon. I am supposed to have gained some weight by now, but I don't think I am eating enough...but I sure am trying! Cause' the sooner this baby gets bigger the better! My agency is having me take pics every week of me and my belly because I am already on hold for some upcoming jobs! But I have to be big enough to be able to book em'. It so weird pushing my belly out as much as possible for pics to send in to my agency when I have spent the last 10 years suckin' it in as much a possible. Lets hope this baby will start makin' money from the womb!! :) Whoop Whoop!! I am crossing my fingers for a job I am on hold for in Montreal in August. These jobs pay more cause' there are two at work:) Lets get after it baby girl.

Oh, and how cute is that baby shower invite design I found! I am going to start making some next week:)

Impatient me

I can't help it. I am and have always been pretty darn impatient. I work on it daily, but sometimes I give in to my impatientness (yeah, I know that is not a word, but I couldn't think of a better real word) So when I read that you can technically find out the sex of your baby at 14 weeks with 99.9% accuracy in a 4D ultrasound that was enough for me to schedule the appointment asap. Otherwise I don't see my Dr. until 3 weeks from now. Jordan thinks its silly that I can't wait and that I should save the 50 bucks that is costs to get the ultrasound and buy something for the baby with it...3 weeks from now....BUT I told him I have my reasons, that it is not just my impatient nature taking over... We have a trip to New York coming up and in case I run into any great shopping opportunities (I mean its NYC, its bound to happen) I'll need to know what to shop for, or at least be able to get a thing or two for the little one that contains either blue or pink. I know, its not a great reason to find out early, but I do have one more. My mom is going to throw me a shower in August since thats the last time I will be back home in Seattle for a while. My sister will be coming home from her mission after being gone a year and half so I will have family in town too! YAY! And in order for her to get invitations ready and mailed etc she needs to know if its going to be a boy or a girl! And my mom is much like myself in that she is quite the procrastinator so I am helping her out by giving her a few weeks notice:) Isn't that nice of me? Hah. Well, either way, it will be nice to call the baby a 'he' or 'she' instead of 'it', or you know some sort of food like peanut or kumquat...yeah, in some book I read they compared your 12th week old fetus to the size of a kumquat and when I told Jordan that its a little kumquat, he said, ew, that sounds dirty. Haha, I guess he doesn't like the word or rather the fruit kumquat. And now, I don't either...thanks Jordan. Funny.

SOOOO, on Monday the 5th I have a noon appointment at the 4D ultrasound clinic to receive a gender determination package (that's what they call it). Here goes! And thanks J for playin' along and getting excited for Monday:) Cause' I sure am!!! I even have the energy to get excited now! No more throwing up! Thank goodness.

Meet Baby Church

Look at me! I am only two inches long but I am growing everyday! My heartbeat is a strong 150bpm! I am going to concentrate on growing and I hope to join the world at the end of December! Below you will see I am already taking after my mom! I love sucking on my thumb! Although, I don't plan on sucking my thumb through age 6 like she did, that is just embarrassing! :) Feel free to check back in on me as I grow! And I'll let my mom and dad know soon if I am a boy or girl!

Birthdays and the gift I've always dreampt of...

I turned 27 this past week and I was quite content to skip my birthday this year. I always love a good excuse to party, but I figured I didn't really want to be a year older and as long as things keep going well I already have the most amazing gift I can think of. I haven't announced it to the world yet, but no one really reads my blog anyway and most of my friends don't seem to update theirs so I figure it would just be a nice outlet to start writing about the little being I am growing inside of me. Yup! I am pregnant. I still have to say those three words on a daily basis because its still pretty amazing to me. I have lost two babies and so I have been rather reserved and anxiety ridden about the whole thing. I concentrated on staying as calm as I could after hearing my hormone levels were low (which is the news I received during my last two pregnancies) but I was put on progesterone right away to help thicken the lining of my uterus in hopes it would help the little pea stick around. Well it seemed to work! I went off the drugs last week and have been sick and barfy and all that fun stuff that comes along with being pregnant, but if all this sickness means things are going well then I'll take it and happily (k, maybe not happily) deal:) I will be 12 weeks come Friday. I have seen my doctor about every other week because of my history and hearing that lil' heartbeat for the first time about 4 weeks ago is probably one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. I can't tell you what relief that brought me hearing the quick little beat of that miniature heart. Miscarriage rates drop to below 5% after you hear the heart beat and I couldn't help but let tears stream down my face as I stared at that little peanut with its flashing heart on the monitor. It started to feel real, even more so for Jordan. That whole day he kept saying, "We're pregnant babe! That's so crazy!" I was like, yeah, I have been pregnant for weeks now;) A couple weeks later I went in again and things were progressing as they should and hearing my doctor tell me she couldn't be happier with what she sees left me feeling calm and excited as I left the office grasping my little ultra sound pictures trying not to drip tears on them. Tomorrow I go in for my first trimester screening which they say could be like a 2.5 hour appointment! What do they need to do for that long?!? I'll be more at ease if all those test results come back to me in the form of good news. But to take my mind off it my mom is coming into town on Tuesday and we are going to be pool bums out in Palm Springs for a few days then on my way to drop her back off on Monday she is going to go to my Dr's appointment with me! I think it will be fun for her to see her lil' grandbaby for the first time. So here we go! It should be quite the adventure! I really want a baby girl, but I know I'll be happy with either...I feel like it might be a girl, but maybe because that is really all I ever envisioned. I have dreams about it being a boy, but those dreams (along with all the others I've been having) are really quite weird and well, rather disturbing. So I am not so certain anymore! I have made one purchase so far from Craigslist and it will suit a boy or a girl. It's a cute cradle/bassinet. It looks brand new and is mostly a cream color. I like that it has wheels so it can be rolled from room to room and it rocks or locks in place. I know it seems premature to be buying stuff already but I had my eye on this when I saw one last year and when it came up on Craigslist for 150 dollars LESS than what it sells for new, I thought, why not? Plus the nice couple threw in a couple other free things for the baby that I put underneath the bassinet for now.

I love reading about the developing fetus and the changes it goes through everyday. Its really quite fascinating and its no wonder they call babies little miracles! It helps me realize and come to terms with what is going on inside of me because I haven't really popped yet, I just feel sick all day every day and it looks like I got a boob job. Which, by the way, the husband is thrilled about...boys are funny. I have been trying my best to eat (something that really is a chore) and I walk around the park every day but I can't wait to start feeling better. I hear I have about another week or so and I'll get my energy back and hopefully the nausea will disperse and I will have an appetite once again! Below is what the little one should be looking like.

So, teeny. I can't help but think about those that choose to have abortions and that this is what they are killing. It breaks my heart. Life is so precious, but some have a hard time viewing it that way I think. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for the life inside of me and pray everyday I can be a good mom and that this little one will be healthy, strong and happy. I have already learned to appreciate this baby so much and I know I can't take this opportunity for granted. Although neither of my previous pregnancies lasted very long I grew to love those babies that couldn't stick around and they will never be forgotten. But there is a time and place for everything. I have truly learned that. It wasn't the right time and I wasn't in a good place. It took me over a year to figure some important things out and to create a home and things finally feel right again. I am stronger because of the trials I went through and also more sensitive to others' situations. One never knows what kinds of things people are facing in their lives.

I know this little one will be loved and spoiled and what better gift to receive at Christmas than the gift of a new little life coming into the world... :)