Birthdays and the gift I've always dreampt of...

I turned 27 this past week and I was quite content to skip my birthday this year. I always love a good excuse to party, but I figured I didn't really want to be a year older and as long as things keep going well I already have the most amazing gift I can think of. I haven't announced it to the world yet, but no one really reads my blog anyway and most of my friends don't seem to update theirs so I figure it would just be a nice outlet to start writing about the little being I am growing inside of me. Yup! I am pregnant. I still have to say those three words on a daily basis because its still pretty amazing to me. I have lost two babies and so I have been rather reserved and anxiety ridden about the whole thing. I concentrated on staying as calm as I could after hearing my hormone levels were low (which is the news I received during my last two pregnancies) but I was put on progesterone right away to help thicken the lining of my uterus in hopes it would help the little pea stick around. Well it seemed to work! I went off the drugs last week and have been sick and barfy and all that fun stuff that comes along with being pregnant, but if all this sickness means things are going well then I'll take it and happily (k, maybe not happily) deal:) I will be 12 weeks come Friday. I have seen my doctor about every other week because of my history and hearing that lil' heartbeat for the first time about 4 weeks ago is probably one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. I can't tell you what relief that brought me hearing the quick little beat of that miniature heart. Miscarriage rates drop to below 5% after you hear the heart beat and I couldn't help but let tears stream down my face as I stared at that little peanut with its flashing heart on the monitor. It started to feel real, even more so for Jordan. That whole day he kept saying, "We're pregnant babe! That's so crazy!" I was like, yeah, I have been pregnant for weeks now;) A couple weeks later I went in again and things were progressing as they should and hearing my doctor tell me she couldn't be happier with what she sees left me feeling calm and excited as I left the office grasping my little ultra sound pictures trying not to drip tears on them. Tomorrow I go in for my first trimester screening which they say could be like a 2.5 hour appointment! What do they need to do for that long?!? I'll be more at ease if all those test results come back to me in the form of good news. But to take my mind off it my mom is coming into town on Tuesday and we are going to be pool bums out in Palm Springs for a few days then on my way to drop her back off on Monday she is going to go to my Dr's appointment with me! I think it will be fun for her to see her lil' grandbaby for the first time. So here we go! It should be quite the adventure! I really want a baby girl, but I know I'll be happy with either...I feel like it might be a girl, but maybe because that is really all I ever envisioned. I have dreams about it being a boy, but those dreams (along with all the others I've been having) are really quite weird and well, rather disturbing. So I am not so certain anymore! I have made one purchase so far from Craigslist and it will suit a boy or a girl. It's a cute cradle/bassinet. It looks brand new and is mostly a cream color. I like that it has wheels so it can be rolled from room to room and it rocks or locks in place. I know it seems premature to be buying stuff already but I had my eye on this when I saw one last year and when it came up on Craigslist for 150 dollars LESS than what it sells for new, I thought, why not? Plus the nice couple threw in a couple other free things for the baby that I put underneath the bassinet for now.

I love reading about the developing fetus and the changes it goes through everyday. Its really quite fascinating and its no wonder they call babies little miracles! It helps me realize and come to terms with what is going on inside of me because I haven't really popped yet, I just feel sick all day every day and it looks like I got a boob job. Which, by the way, the husband is thrilled about...boys are funny. I have been trying my best to eat (something that really is a chore) and I walk around the park every day but I can't wait to start feeling better. I hear I have about another week or so and I'll get my energy back and hopefully the nausea will disperse and I will have an appetite once again! Below is what the little one should be looking like.

So, teeny. I can't help but think about those that choose to have abortions and that this is what they are killing. It breaks my heart. Life is so precious, but some have a hard time viewing it that way I think. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for the life inside of me and pray everyday I can be a good mom and that this little one will be healthy, strong and happy. I have already learned to appreciate this baby so much and I know I can't take this opportunity for granted. Although neither of my previous pregnancies lasted very long I grew to love those babies that couldn't stick around and they will never be forgotten. But there is a time and place for everything. I have truly learned that. It wasn't the right time and I wasn't in a good place. It took me over a year to figure some important things out and to create a home and things finally feel right again. I am stronger because of the trials I went through and also more sensitive to others' situations. One never knows what kinds of things people are facing in their lives.

I know this little one will be loved and spoiled and what better gift to receive at Christmas than the gift of a new little life coming into the world... :)